my prayer

Lord, I don't want people to think at all that I think I am more special for wanting more. I have sat under a lot of teachings about revival, and I put it down for about ten years, and I am ready to pick my vision back up again. I want to eventually write a book about the stirrings that you place upon my heart. I know You are doing something inside my soul, but I'm not sure what yet. I will take it one day at a time, one challenge at a time. It took a long time for me to stop condemning myself for decisions I have made in the past. I need to stop thinking what others think, and dwell more about what You think. I have come to far to look back, but Lord I need that strength to look ahead, to the vision You are placing in my heart NOW.
I am tired of thinking to myself "twelve years ago, God worked in my life like this, or that way. I need to look to what you are doing in my life Now. I have sat many years now since I was sick, and I believe I needed that time to sit and be healed, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am sorry there were times that I was not there for my kids, but I am thankful that You were. Right now I still feel horrible with the medicines trying to work all out of my system, but Lord, I don't want to go back that route, so I am at peace till the time I walk with no pain. I have lost some friends to talk to because I think they think I went off the deep end, most are some of the friends I have made in the past ten years, the friends I had before I was depressed, knew my belief that God can work today as He did many years ago. So Lord, I am picking that vision up again. I will run with it unless you tell me to stop running and lead me in another direction. Right now I feel so wretched. I lose patience with my children, that is my biggest struggle, mainly Megan, for lying all the time. But Lord, I place her in Your hands, just help me to not take her back. I proclaim that my younger children will have the zeal and fire for your work like Tori and Jacob do. I am so blessed and I can't even believe why you waited so long for me to get my act back together, but I'm sure glad you did. I am finally beginning to have You in my thoughts all through the day, no matter what I am doing. It took awhile to get to that point again. Lord I am so in awe of your love for me. The desire of my heart was for children and you gave me more then I could even imagine. I pray for strength as Jacob gets ready to go to Tulsa. Father help the tears to stop every time I think of it. I love all my children the same, but there is a different bond between a mother and a son. I don't know what it is. Maybe because when he was little he was so sick we thought he might die, but the reason that "I" think it is, is because I think of what it would be like to rock you in a rocking chair when you were an infant. I sit with Gabe some nights when everyone is in bed and have praise and worship music playing, and I imagine that he is You, how it would have been to be your mother and rock you, kiss your cheeks and sing about our Father to you. There is something about a baby boy around the holidays for me that brings the christmas story that much more alive. Anyway Lord, please take away this headache, we have life group tonight and I am so excited to kick off the new year. I will meet you here tonight in prayer, meanwhile, stay close beside me, and never never stop breathing upon my life and heart. I love you daddy.