my prayer

Lord, I don't want people to think at all that I think I am more special for wanting more. I have sat under a lot of teachings about revival, and I put it down for about ten years, and I am ready to pick my vision back up again. I want to eventually write a book about the stirrings that you place upon my heart. I know You are doing something inside my soul, but I'm not sure what yet. I will take it one day at a time, one challenge at a time. It took a long time for me to stop condemning myself for decisions I have made in the past. I need to stop thinking what others think, and dwell more about what You think. I have come to far to look back, but Lord I need that strength to look ahead, to the vision You are placing in my heart NOW.
I am tired of thinking to myself "twelve years ago, God worked in my life like this, or that way. I need to look to what you are doing in my life Now. I have sat many years now since I was sick, and I believe I needed that time to sit and be healed, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am sorry there were times that I was not there for my kids, but I am thankful that You were. Right now I still feel horrible with the medicines trying to work all out of my system, but Lord, I don't want to go back that route, so I am at peace till the time I walk with no pain. I have lost some friends to talk to because I think they think I went off the deep end, most are some of the friends I have made in the past ten years, the friends I had before I was depressed, knew my belief that God can work today as He did many years ago. So Lord, I am picking that vision up again. I will run with it unless you tell me to stop running and lead me in another direction. Right now I feel so wretched. I lose patience with my children, that is my biggest struggle, mainly Megan, for lying all the time. But Lord, I place her in Your hands, just help me to not take her back. I proclaim that my younger children will have the zeal and fire for your work like Tori and Jacob do. I am so blessed and I can't even believe why you waited so long for me to get my act back together, but I'm sure glad you did. I am finally beginning to have You in my thoughts all through the day, no matter what I am doing. It took awhile to get to that point again. Lord I am so in awe of your love for me. The desire of my heart was for children and you gave me more then I could even imagine. I pray for strength as Jacob gets ready to go to Tulsa. Father help the tears to stop every time I think of it. I love all my children the same, but there is a different bond between a mother and a son. I don't know what it is. Maybe because when he was little he was so sick we thought he might die, but the reason that "I" think it is, is because I think of what it would be like to rock you in a rocking chair when you were an infant. I sit with Gabe some nights when everyone is in bed and have praise and worship music playing, and I imagine that he is You, how it would have been to be your mother and rock you, kiss your cheeks and sing about our Father to you. There is something about a baby boy around the holidays for me that brings the christmas story that much more alive. Anyway Lord, please take away this headache, we have life group tonight and I am so excited to kick off the new year. I will meet you here tonight in prayer, meanwhile, stay close beside me, and never never stop breathing upon my life and heart. I love you daddy.

past mistakes

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth.
Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.

Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want. Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? I don't know if we should call them mistakes or not... but I think that the only mistake we can make is not learning from our past experiences!

Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, where it has brought me to today.

Salt covenant????

I just started to read a book called "the salt covenant". I looked up why God used the word salt for many stories....Lots wife turning into a pillar of salt....why salt and not stone? What does "salt" stand for in these stories? I found this book online and now I am very excited to find out. I know that salt preserves, but I have never heard about a salt covenant.

Jacobs wish

I was thinking today about my children when they were little and when Jacob was about ten, I was really reading a lot about Smith Wigglesworth, and I would read the book to Jacob. He was sooo enthralled about his life, that he asked me if he could keep the book I was reading to him. He one day said to me... "When I grow up I want to be just like Wigglesworth! He at that time thought he wanted to be a pastor so I called up Pastor Gerry and asked him if he would mentor him for a day. So Jacob followed him around for a whole day to see what a pastor did during his day. Pastor Gerry told him that day that he was going to tell God that he wanted Him to save Jacob for one of his daughters.......... up until 2000, my prayer for Jacob was that God would anoint him like he has the pastors through the great revivals. In 2000 I laid that prayer down because of depression, and for a time I was not walking with God. But.......... I have picked my visions and prayers back up again soooooooooooooooooo" JASON.... ARE YOU READY?

Jesus wept

I just was reading in commentaries about the bible verse "Jesus wept" I always thought it was because Jesus was sad about Lazarus dying. I guess I never really thought about it but why would He be sad? He knew he could heal him from death. He was sad because of the familys' unbelief. How is THAT for something to chew on! Something so simple to realize, but yet I never did. Such a powerful statement in just those two words. Mabye............ God intended to use the shortest verse in the bible to have such a deep meaning. hmmmm anyway, I was so excited to read up on that today.

A new excitement.... "A teacup and a prayer"

God is doing something inside me. The bible says be still and know that I am God. I have been still and waited for a long time now. God is telling me it is time to do something, that I have been still long enough. I was beginning to think that all God wanted me to do was be a mom, which is a blessing, but I want more. To be more for God will make me be more for my children. I have a new excitement in me that has not been there for a very long time. An excitement in knowing that God is preparing me for something special, something different. An excitement in knowing that He hears me when I call out to Him. Sometimes I feel that God is a respecter of persons, but I know that He hears us when we ask. My heart has always been in hospitality. We recently started to host a life group at our home, and it gave me a zeal that I have been praying for. I was satisfied with just that, but God wasn't. Since I came back from depression a while back, I still have not gotten in touch with old friends. I shy away from anyone who knew me. Recently I have been feeling the need to rekindle my friendships with old girlfriends. God has been nudging me to start a bible study in our home in the area of friends. Friendships are very important because they provide a way for us to be accountable to one another, and also to learn from one another from our trials and blessings. They provide a way for the older friends to teach the younger ones about life, to be an example, and to share wisdom from things that we ourselves have already been through.The bible study will meet once a month and will be called..."A teacup and a prayer". I don't exactly know what all He is preparing me for, but I do know that I am ready, willing, and by the grace of God, I have been through a battle in the past years that has made me stronger, that has made my faith soar, and has made me persevere. I am confident that whatever valley He has me go through, his grace, and steadfast love will get me back up on that mountain. Father, may I always have a teachable spirit, and may I always take time to be still, and hear your voice. I love you

the highway I travel

I ask God to direct my steps. I have faith that He will. Why then when things get rough do I always wonder how I got here? Father, help me keep in my mind that when You bring me to it, You will get me through it. Help me not ask "why" but "when". Please give me Your heart to reach the lost. Give me that servants heart, help me not to want to "choose" who You want me to minister to, but be ready to minister to "whoever" you put in my "highway" Father, help me to always have a teachable spirit, a willing heart, and a stirring spirit. I love You.